QUEER WORD

SURVIVING CHRISTMAS

Let's talk about family Christmas dinner - aka the one day a year you have to remain hyper-vigilant about not letting your queerness leak out too much.

​Not everyone has a family that’s completely comfortable with their queerness.

​And even for those of us who are lucky enough to have supportive biological families, there’s often that one random queerphobic comment that slips out during an otherwise seemingly innocent conversation—leaving you caught off guard and mentally retracing every 'supportive' conversation you've ever had with these people.​

And what better place for you to start questioning whether you were secretly adopted all along than at the Christmas dinner table?

It's already easily one of the most stressful meals of the year. The whole family's there (which happens like, what, once or twice a year tops?), and suddenly there's this weird unspoken pressure to 'get it right.' Everyone's trying SO hard to be jolly and keep the conversation flowing... which is exactly how we end up veering into did-she-just-say-what-I-think-she-said territory.

So, whilst I can’t help you prepare for EVERY weird statement or provocative hypothetical question that comes out of Uncle Benjamin’s mouth, hopefully there are one or two nuggets to use should the conversation start sliding from 'festive' to 'ffs'.

Let’s kick us off with a relatively easy one....

Great-aunt Patty: “Why do you need Pride anyway? Straight people don’t get to wave their flags around at no fancy parades!”

You: Actually Aunt Patty, it's funny you mention that - Pride started as a literal riot against police brutality, not a glitter-filled party. Yes, these days it's more of a celebration, but it's also a reminder that in 64 countries it's still illegal to be queer. So when straight people start getting arrested for holding hands with their partners in public, I'd be happy to help you organise your very own Straight Pride. More stuffing?

Cousin Marley: Why are there so many trans people now? When I was growing up there were only two genders! That's how it should be.

You: Ah, that's kind of like how everyone thought left-handed people were magically appearing out of nowhere in the 1900s! Turns out they weren't actually increasing - people just stopped getting smacked with rulers for using their left hand at school, and so they no longer felt the need to hide it. Wild, right? Same thing with trans folks - they've literally always been here, but now they don't have to pretend to be something they're not just to stay safe. Pretty cool that people can finally just be themselves, don't you think?

(and if you want to REALLY lay it on thick then just whip out this graph that demonstrates the history of left-handedness)

Your brother's girlfriend Yvonne (even though he said he was planning to break up with her last month): It’s just not fair for trans women to compete in women’s sports. They’ve clearly got an unfair advantage.

You: The world of sports is weird, isn't it? Take Michael Phelps, for example. He has these wild genetic advantages—extra-long arms, double-jointed ankles, and he produces half the lactic acid of other athletes—but no one’s calling to ban him from swimming.

When it comes to trans athletes most sports organisations have these incredibly detailed rules in place about hormone levels, transition timing, and ongoing testing. And, despite these barriers, there is no concrete evidence that trans women have an unfair advantage in sports. In fact, a recent study found that trans women have equivalent physical metrics to cisgender women after undergoing hormone replacement therapy.

Turns out when you actually look at the science, this whole 'advantage' thing is way more complicated than what you skim from rage-inducing clickbait headlines.

Your parent's neighbour Donnell: I just think it’s confusing for kids to learn about all this LGBTQ+ stuff in school. Let them be kids! Don't try to indoctrinate them

You: You know what's actually confusing for kids? When they have two moms but all of their storybooks only show straight parents. Or when they're told they can't play with certain toys because it's 'for the other gender.'​

Kids already have an innate sense of what's fair and what isn't - they're usually just confused by adults wading in and making things needlessly complicated!

And hey, I grew up watching every Disney princess fall in love with a prince, and somehow here I am, queer as a three dollar bill.​

Turns out you can't catch gay from a storybook, who knew? But you know what inclusive education does do? It makes kids less likely to bully each other, and it helps kids feel like they belong.

Uncle Isaac: It’s not natural for kids to take puberty blockers. They’re far too young to know anything about their gender!

You: Actually Uncle Isaac, doctors have been prescribing puberty blockers since the 1980s - they were originally used for kids (mainly cisgender kids) who started puberty way too early.

Think of them like a pause button - they just give kids some breathing room to figure things out. If they stop taking them, puberty picks up right where it left off.

And you know what's really interesting? The research shows these medications are literally saving lives - they dramatically reduce anxiety and depression in trans kids.​

Want me to pass the gravy?

Papa: I don't think that drag queens should be around kids. It’s inappropriate.

You: Wait, really? Because I distinctly remember us watching Mrs. Doubtfire together like twelve times when I was younger - you know, that film where Robin Williams dresses in drag and does voice impressions? And you loved Dame Edna on TV! Not to mention all those Looney Tunes episodes where Bugs Bunny rocks a dress and heels. Even Pantomime dames at Christmas!

As a matter of fact, we've been enjoying drag performances our whole lives - it's just people in costumes being creative and entertaining. The only difference now is they're not pretending it's anything else.

If kids are somehow threatened by someone in a sparkly dress reading 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar' to them with a little extra zhuzh, I think we might be worrying about the wrong things!

Here's a few extra things to keep in mind:

• You don't have to be everyone's teacher: If you’re anything like me, you probably feel the urge to dive headfirst into every debate, ready to stand up against any perceived injustice. But here's something I've learnt along the way: some people are just spouting any old crap to get a reaction from you, and others have their minds more tightly closed than that-pickle-jar-in-the-back-of-your-cupboard-that-you-can-never-manage-to-unscrew-but-you-also-don't-have-the-heart-to-throw-away. Choosing not to engage isn't failing the community—it's practicing self-care. You're allowed to save your energy for the battles that matter.

• Strategic exits are your friend: Sometimes the best response is no response. If you get to the point in the conversation where you want to dramatically flip the table and slam every door in the house, then how about trying an 'oh, I just need to take this call', or an 'just going to top up my drink' before swiftly leaving the room. A quick breather in the bathroom or a walk around the block can do wonders to shake away the feeling you want to rip your skin off.

• It’s just one day: When you're sitting there, feeling like the token queer in a room full of simmering microaggressions, remember: this is only temporary. Like that weird hair crimping phase your sister went through, it will pass. You've got a whole community out there who gets it, who sees you, and who probably also has an uncle who needs to stop getting his opinions from ranty Facebook posts.

• Reward yourself: Pre-plan a treat for when it’s all over. Maybe it's watching five episodes of Drag Race back-to-back while eating all the leftover mince pies. Maybe it's a video call with your chosen family where you can dramatically replay every awkward moment and inflection. Whatever it is, knowing that you've got this reward coming up makes everything much more bearable.

​And, finally, remember. You’ve got this. We’ve got this.