QUEER WORD
SECRET GAY HANDSHAKE

What it means:

The secret gay handshake is an urban myth - the idea that gay men had a special handshake to secretly identify one another.

While it never actually existed, the myth reflects both old stereotypes about gay men and the broader history of how queer people have been forced to find hidden ways to signal belonging.

Let's Use It In A Sentence:

After months of trying to master the secret gay handshake, Jordan finally learned the real secret: it never existed, and he could’ve just downloaded Grindr.

So, Has There Ever Been a Secret Gay Handshake?

I’m a little embarrassed to admit this.

Until very recently, I thought the secret gay handshake was a real thing.

What is the Gay Handshake supposed to be?

According to playground gossip and urban legends, it was a special way for gay men to recognise each other - like the Freemasons, but a lot gayer (and presumably with different membership perks).

But as it turns out... the secret gay handshake never actually existed.

At all.

How I Learned About the Myth of the Gay Handshake

Long before I even realised I was queer, my older brother and his friends gave me detailed instructions on how to ‘spot a gay man.’

First clue: which ear his earring was in.

• Right ear = gay.

• Left ear = straight.

• (Or was it the other way around? I could never keep it straight - pun intended.)

But if he wasn’t wearing an earring?

Well, then you had to rely on his handshake.

Apparently, gay men had a very specific way of shaking hands.

What was the handshake?

Nobody could actually describe it.

It was so secret, they insisted, that only the initiated would know.

Why the Gay Handshake Myth Persisted

Looking back, the theory had some major flaws:

• No one could explain what the handshake actually looked like.

• No one could say how they knew it existed in the first place.

Still, it made sense to my child brain at the time.

Of course gays would have a secret handshake!

All the best secret societies did.

But, by the time I came out (thanks, internet age!), I didn’t need clandestine methods to find community.

Still, somewhere in the back of my mind I continued to believe that the handshake was a relic of an earlier, more closeted time.

The Truth: The Secret Gay Handshake Never Existed

Recently, curiosity got the better of me.

I turned to my old friend Google, hoping to finally learn the secret steps of the gay handshake.

Instead, I found forum after forum of older LGBTQ+ folks agreeing:

No special hand grip.

No coded signal.

No Masonic-style ritual.

Just another myth.

Which is both depressing, and also kind of reassuring (I mean, at least I didn’t miss out on anything).

Where Did the Myth of the Gay Handshake Come From?

So how did the idea of a secret gay handshake take root so firmly?

There are a few theories, but the most convincing one is this:

It was likely invented by straight, cisgender men obsessed with spotting, categorising, and mocking queer people.

The stereotype went like this:

It started as a cruel joke about masculinity, then evolved over time.

In the retelling, the joke grew bigger and weirder - until it morphed into the myth of an elaborate secret handshake, complete with whispered comparisons to the Freemasons.

Why I Still Love the Idea of a Gay Handshake

Even knowing it’s a myth, I can’t help but love the idea.

A secret handshake to signal solidarity, connection, kinship.

A silent way of saying, “Hey, you’re safe with me.”

Maybe it never existed.

But maybe it’s time we create one.

Who’s with me? 🤝🏳️‍🌈