💬 "I'm Fine With Gay People, But..." 💬

QUEER WORD
LIBERAL HOMOPHOBIA

What It Means:

A subtle form of homophobia that comes from people who see themselves as accepting or progressive, but whose attitudes or behaviour still reinforce prejudice against queer people.

Let’s Use It In A Sentence:

When Mark complained that Pride had become ‘a bit much these days’, Coco smiled politely and passive-aggressively suggested he might want to look up the term liberal homophobia.

Have You Ever Heard Statements Like These? 

Have you ever been happily going about your day when someone suddenly snaps you back to reality with one of the following clunkers:

• "I totally accept you for who you are, but I just wish you wouldn't rub my nose in it."

• "I'm completely supportive of gay people. I just don't understand why there has to be a Pride parade every single year."

• "I've got no problem with gay people. I just don't think they should be flaunting it in front of children."

This, my dear, is what's known as liberal homophobia.

The term got its name because it usually comes from people who'd be horrified to think of themselves as homophobic. They support equality. They believe everyone should be treated fairly. They'd probably describe themselves as allies.

But...

Their actions, or the little conditions they quietly attach to that support, tell a slightly different story.

‘Liberal Homophobia’, You Say?

I know.

It sounds a bit contradictory, doesn't it?

Though the term isn't credited to one individual, it emerged from queer studies and sociology in the late 1990s and early 2000s, as writers tried to describe a very particular kind of prejudice.

Not the loud, obvious, in-your-face Westboro Baptist Church kind.

No.

Something much subtler.

The kind that just can't leave the sentence at, ‘I'm completely supportive of queer people.’ It always has to tack a little ‘but...’ on the end.

So… Why Does It Happen?

In lots of ways, I actually understand why the phenomenon exists. 

Our culture is so deeply steeped in heteronormative attitudes that they become our default way of thinking. We absorb them without even really realising it.

And so, whilst someone may genuinely believe in equal rights on an intellectual level, decades of social conditioning can still creep in through those little knee-jerk reactions and aside comments.

Those thoughts don't necessarily come from a place of hatred.

More often, they come from never having had to examine what they’ve been told is ‘normal’ and ‘not normal’. 

That doesn't make them harmless, of course, and I’m certainly not trying to let anyone off the hook here.

But I do think it helps give a little perspective to where they’re coming from.

And, it’s probably worth saying that it's not just straight people, either. These ideas are so deeply ingrained that they crop up in the LGBTQ+ community too. We've all met the pick-me gay who insists Pride has gone too far, rolls their eyes at drag queens, or complains that other queer people are making their sexuality their whole personality.

None of us grow up in a vacuum. The culture that shapes straight people shapes queer people too.

So... Should We Just Throw All Our ‘Liberal Homophobe’ Friends And Family In The Bin?

Yeah, maybe some of them.

But certainly not all of them.

And whilst it's absolutely not your job to educate or enlighten other people, I also understand that sometimes you can’t just let a comment like that slide. 

Not because you're trying to ‘win’ the argument, or get one-up on them, but because you genuinely want the person in front of you to think a little differently.

So, if it's someone you love (and you've got oodles of patience that particular day), I do think a gentle conversation is often more productive than gritting your teeth and trying to change the subject.

But rather than just coming out and flat-out telling them they're wrong (that never works, for some reason…), try asking follow-up questions that encourage them to interrogate the assumptions behind what they've just said.

• ‘What do you mean by 'shoving it down your throat'?’

• ‘Would you feel the same way if it was a straight couple?’

• ‘Why does that make you uncomfortable?’

• ‘Can you help me understand what you mean?’

Yeah, sure. Sometimes they'll double down, and you'll quietly start wondering whether this was all worth the effort.

But sometimes they might just surprise you.