⭐️ are 'gold-star gays' problematic? ⭐️

QUEER WORD
GOLD-STAR GAY / GOLD-STAR LESBIAN

What It Means:

A colloquial term used to describe a gay man or lesbian who claims never to have had sexual contact with someone of a different gender.

Let’s Use It In A Sentence:

Initially Brianna’s friends tolerated her jokingly referring to herself as a gold-star lesbian, but they realised that things had gone too far when she showed up to brunch wearing a sash and carrying her own trophy.

Is Calling Yourself a 'Gold-Star' Gay or Lesbian Problematic?

Let's consider the arguments on both sides.

In Defense of It

Ok, so I’m going to be honest.

Sometimes I think we get a little too quick to outrage about things that aren’t all that serious to begin with. 

And, honestly, I’m not sure I’ve ever heard someone use the term gold-star gay with full sincerity. 

The only times I've ever heard it used, it's been in a tongue-in-cheek way. A bit of self-aware exaggeration.

And, actually, I'd argue it functions as more of a middle finger to heteronormativity than anything else.

Cast your mind back to when the term first emerged in the 90s. This was a time when queer people were regularly being told things like ‘maybe you’ve just not met the right man yet’, or ‘how do you know you’re gay if you’ve never even been with a woman?’. 

Instead of apologising or softening the edges of their sexuality to make other people more comfortable, calling yourself a gold-star gay was a way of saying:

‘Actually, I'm not just gay, I'm SUPER gay. How do you like that?’

For someone who’s spent their life being told to downplay their sexuality, to hide it, to be ashamed of it, that kind of statement flips the script on its head.

The gold star becomes a way of taking up space. Of centring the very thing society told you not to be.

It’s defiant.

It’s camp.

And (at least in its original spirit) it’s reclaiming the thing you were told you were supposed to hide.

Why It's Actually A Problem

But then, inevitably, someone comes along and takes things a little too far.

After entering the queer lexicon, the term gained popularity through the 90s and 2000s, culminating in a pretty dreadful extension of the joke on Will and Grace, where the character Jack brags about being a ‘platinum-star gay’ because he was born via caesarean section (meaning he'd never even touched a vagina during birth).

And that right there exposes everything that’s wrong with the phrase.

Somewhere along the way, a subset of gay men twisted the whole concept beyond its original, light-hearted intention, turning it into a badge of honour while expressing outright disgust for female anatomy.

‘Ew, gross, women!’

And, actually, now that I think about it some more, when you really stop to examine the phrase itself - a gold-star, the thing that is used as a reward for achievement - you start to realise how icky the term really is (whether intentional or not).

Because if there’s a gold standard, that implies everyone else falls somewhere below it.

Late bloomers.

Omnisexual people.

Bisexual people.

Pansexual people.

Anyone who has ever experimented.

Anyone whose journey didn’t follow a neat, straight (sorry) line from birth to now.

All of them end up positioned as not quite queer enough.

Which is kind of ridiculous, right?

Where I Land

Ok, I was trying to stay neutral when laying out the arguments for and against, but it's probably pretty obvious where I land.

And, really, this is exactly the kind of thing I love about language and the way it twists and evolves.

Something might start off as innocent banter, which I think is the case with gold-star gay. Then, over time, people start to see it from a different angle. New perspectives emerge. We understand the impact of our words a little more clearly.

And then we adapt.

The joke might've been funny all the way back in 1995. But when it becomes a way to rank people’s queerness (or worse, to be used as an excuse for misogyny) it stops being funny.

So yeah. Maybe it’s time to properly retire this one.